Red Flags…what are they and can you identify them in a new relationship?



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This objective view is written for my friend. Watching someone you love – and I do love my sister-tribe like family, is very hard. She went through a long two weeks of heart break.  I have written my observations of what I saw.  She has agreed to let me write this and she too hopes you can learn from this as she has.

Letting go was hard. I get it…don’t you? You fall for someone and you just can’t accept the outcome because frankly, you don’t understand the why. I had my suspicions, but I had to listen and support…that’s my job until asked otherwise.  And let me tell you…my friends know if they ask they will get the 100% honest answer from my heart; so they have to be ready for a raw, unadulterated opinion or piece of advice.

What I want to write about are the Red Flags that were showing up all over the map. As an objective, armchair quarterback; it sure was easy for me to see them. But for her, not so much…and I have been in her shoes before and couldn’t see the Red Flags being thrown all over the place…I think we have all been there…and if you haven’t…Congratulations – you are lucky!

LOVE BOMBING: I already wrote about this in a previous post http://www.yougottakissalotoffrogs.com/woah-nellie-slow/. It was too much too soon…Non-stop texting; continual text images of love quotes. Messages of Youtube videos of sensual songs that “remind me of you baby”.  Too much too soon: RED FLAG!

A quote from her: I asked him early on not to say anything he didn’t mean and not to be trying to make me fall in love with him if he didn’t intend for this relationship to be serious. He begged me to trust him…he asked me to take his hand and just let myself fall with him and told me in his own words, “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

MOMMY ISSUES: The man was dumb enough to tell her that his mother told him he shouldn’t be dating her. Hmmm…really…you talked to your Mommy about her already? Here were the answers Mommy had an issue with: Race. She wouldn’t accept that my friend was not the same race. She also said my friend came with baggage because she was close to 10 years older (I have HOT MAMA friends!) and had children and was married for a long time.  So let’s get this straight…Dumbass thinks this was a good conversation to have with his girlfriend after 3 weeks? Let’s say this issue never left the table and caused churn from then on…But he was quick to say he and his Mom were never close and she favored the other brother…OHHHH I smell Mommy issues….RED FLAG!

EX-WIFE: He kept mentioning she wanted to get back together…Again…why are you telling the new girlfriend you are desperately trying to get to fall in love with you that the ex wants you back. Do you really think we women are that comfortable knowing this…there is a history there we can’t compete with…not to mention children…Good Lord dude…Idiot with an ex-wife that isn’t happy he is dating…RED FLAG!

IMMATURITY: Let’s all agree that age doesn’t always dictate the maturity of others. I believe our life experiences mold us and how we then relate and react to the good, bad, and the ugly in life. This guy was younger, and it was clear he had some high-school mentality lurking within.  “Wah, Wah, Wah…I can’t see you so I don’t know if I can handle the distance.” Hmmm…you knew the distance when you started dating…but now it’s not convenient. Do you want to know why this became an issue folks: because he hooked her in with the hot and heavy and a month into it he now starts to pull-away…

He even talked about getting a place closer to me and giving me a key. THIS he told me three times…one right before he broke up with me

This is a text book narcissist…Ugh I saw it…it was painful to watch! Then a situation arose that he completely misunderstood and do you know what his reaction was….and let’s keep in mind that he had already indicated “love was in the air”. He flipped…He texted a good-bye text to break up and in that text professes his love…WTF!? He blocks her number, blocks her on facebook and instagram and even blocked me! LOL! How old is this kid?! That right there was enough for me. But this was no joke and my friend was devastated. Oh, and I was pissed. A mad girl and a sad girl in one room with wine really can’t lead to anything good, TBH! Poor Conflict Resolution and pre-mature promises: RED FLAG!

LET’S STILL SEE EACH OTHER: You can’t make this up. He breaks up with her, blocks her and you guessed it…the apology text comes…”I’m sorry. I over reacted…I love you…I can’t stop thinking of you…Can you come see me?! The pattern of the addiction cycle of a narcissist: be nice, over-react, have remorse, apologize…and so it goes over and over.  They continue to talk for two more weeks and saw one another 3X while broken up:  UGH! Wants his cake and eat it too: RED FLAG!

I CAN’T SEE YOU: So after two weeks of him trying to get a little ‘something, something” without the commitment anymore, my friend decides to have the final talk so she can get closure. She tried to make a time to meet…he cancelled. They rescheduled…he cancelled again. Let me wrap my head around this…you always want to see her, then you break-up and want to see her, but now you won’t see her. Hmmm….have you found someone else?! YUP!!!! Later that day he “accidentally” sent a pic-collage of him kissing and loving on the new girl to my friends number…which was during the day that my friend was trying to meet up with him. OMG!!! He then texts her an apology for sending the picture accidentally and for lying to her about why he couldn’t see her. That entire scenario: RED FLAG.

No one is perfect. After marriages or broken relationships we have some really nice baggage. Personally, I like mine to be Hartman luggage, lol! But we have to be true to ourselves and not let our emotions take over. I have a hard time doing that, but each time I get braver and better to say, NO; this isn’t for me. Let’s realize when those flags are being thrown in front of us like an over-zealous referee at a JV Varsity Football game. Pay attention. In the long run, you will be glad you did. My friend will be just fine because she is beautiful, kind, graceful, successful, sexy, loving, funny, intelligent and has a heart bigger than the universe. I wanted her to kick this frog to the curb much sooner… but we all deal with things differently. The main thing is the next time she will! I have no doubt about that! I love you girl!

Kiss away my friend, your prince will come!

Be Well and Be Blessed!

1 COMMENT

  1. Jascenda | 5th Nov 16

    Wow! What an asshole! I have so many issues with this, I don’t know where to begin. So many red flags smh.

    Love Bombing: Typical. In a normal relationship, it is almost like pulling teeth trying to get a man to honestly express himself. Even when we are fully aware they love us, they are STILL afraid to say it in fear it will “change things” or make them seem weak. BUT, when a man is throwing out the “I love you” ‘s and laying it on SO thick SO early…umm hello, red flag! He said it himself, “I know exactly what I’m doing,” What I think happened was he may have actually really liked this woman and genuinely expressed his true feelings for her, but somewhere along the lines he simply just lost interest. It’s happened to us all. The “good morning” texts stop coming. We text them but they don’t respond until hours later blaming their busy schedule on the delay. Funny. In the beginning they would text back almost immediately. Flag on the play. We have to remember to go with our gut. Don’t let the attention, sweet text messages, kind gestures, thoughtful gifts, laughs shared, sweet kisses or extremely good 2 hour sensual mind blowing sex blind us from seeing the Flags men throw at us, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship.

    Mommy Issues: I’m confused. Why is he involving his mother in the first place?? And after 3 weeks of dating her?? Did your friend tell her family about this guy as well? I’m throwing 2 flags on the play for this one. Again, just because a man is telling us sweet things and giving us some really really good Dick, doesn’t mean that our families need to be made aware of it! Sometimes it’s better to let a situation play out before we start bringing others into our business. In the Momma’s Boy’s momma’s defense, I would have a concern about the age difference as well. Not that it would be any of my business. This man was 10 years younger than your friend!? Flag on the play! Ladies, here is the truth. Listen to me and listen to me well. If a younger man says he is interested in you, no matter what he says- always remember that it is ONLY PHYSICAL. He wants to have sex with a cougar. And as SOON as he gets bored with the sex, he’s out the door…and the next day with some prettier younger tighter woman. It’s a game to them. They know we’re older and want to feel young again, date young guys, preferably a young black guy ;-), get dicked down really good and they use that against us. I digress. Race would not have mattered in this situation if the Momma’s Boy really genuinely cared about the woman. I’m sure your friend is not the first woman he’s been with outside his race. Something else I don’t understand, he says he and his mother weren’t close, well why did he tell her about this woman in the first place!? Sounds fishy. I doubt he even told her to begin with! Flag on the play!

    Ex-Wife: He mentioned the ex wanted to get back together?? Hold up hold up hold up…Flag On The Play!! They’re still sleeping together and they aren’t divorced. Ladies, when we are done with a man, we are DONE! I don’t care if that sorry s.o.b. is dating Princess Diana’s clone, I would never want my ex back! And I damn sure wouldn’t be jealous. We have to learn to NEVER take steps back! We left our ex’s for a reason and once a dog always a dog and if you sleep with a dog, you get rabies bitch, it’s 2016. His “Ex Wife” would not tell him she wants him back UNLESS he was giving her the impression that getting back together was a possibility. Does you friend know for a fact that he was divorced?? Flag on the play! Ladies, if you ask your man his divorce date and he doesn’t know it or he gives you a different date than he gave you the First time you asked, he’s still married. Why would this guy tell your friend that his “Ex” wants to get back together?? I’ll tell you why. Because men are stupid. He was actually telling on himself. Projecting his true intentions and feelings. He had no intention of getting married to your friend or being in any kind of sustainable relationship, that man is still married. Let me find out that my man gave his “ex wife” even 5 seconds to discuss she wants to get back with him. Uh uh. Flag on the play!!

    Immaturity: So he ended up telling her he couldn’t see her anymore because of the distance. Flag on the play!! Just like you said, he KNEW about the distance when entering that relationship. What happened is, as I said before, he began to loose interest in your friend and making the drive or flight to see her didn’t seem worth his time anymore. Men are very selfish and very narcissistic. It’s ALWAYS about them! UNLESS, they are with a woman that they truly love. In the beginning, you said he would text all the time and do all these things…that was because the young man may have THOUGHT he loved your friend…but as time went on…the “love” showed itself for what it really was, lust, and the little boy lost interest in his new toy and went to look for a shinier one. If he told her he would find a place closer to her, it’s because he knew that’s what she wanted to hear. It’s something she needed to hear to trick herself into not listening to her gut and breaking things off. He may be immature. But he isn’t stupid. Again, he said it himself- “I know what I’m doing.” I agree with you Stacie. He most likely hooked her in with the hot and heavy….gave her body much needed and desired orgasms…the kind that make our bodies shake…our vaginas explode and sometimes even make us feel so good that we cry…damn that was some good Dick…but ladies, Dick don’t pay our bills or take care of us, WE do! This is a prime example of some young immature man taking advantage of a situation…he knew telling your friend the distance was too much wouldn’t terminate the relationship…he knew he had her hooked and she would most likely drive or hop on plane charter a boat rent a horse- do whatever to go see that man. But now it meant that HE wouldn’t have to divulge any if HIS time to travel to see her. I digress. Again. Sounds like he was trying to break up with her but was too immature to just come out and say it. Be a man. Speak up. Say how you truly feel. Flag on the play!

    Let’s Still See Each Other: We all know what those words mean. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he just wants to have sex. Wants his cake and eat it too. She gave it him 3 more times. Their both guilty. 2 flags on the play!

    I Can’t See You: They made plans to meet but he cancelled. Then rescheduled but he canceled AGAIN!? Uh uh. Flag on the play! He didnt care for your friend at this point. Moved on to something younger tighter and less demanding. Men are stupid. Your friend should feel blessed to be less stressed bow that she isn’t with this guy.

    Great read! I can’t wait to read about your next adventure in dating or hear about your friends experiences!

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