Divorce…From a Guy’s Persepctive



Hello screen-shot-2016-11-27-at-9-54-05-pmReaders! I am so excited about tonight’s post…because I have my first guest blog writer to present to you! My good friend Steven Nibur has kindly put pen to paper and writes about divorce as he sees it from his perspective…It’s not all about us, ladies! There’s another half involved in this thing we call dating! I know you will enjoy reading this as much as I did! Please feel free to comment within the comment section on the blog….so here goes!…

 

 “So about three years ago, I lost 110 lbs.  Okay, so I didn’t actually lose the weight, it was just that my then-wife of 20+ years and I got divorced.  She was smart. Beautiful. Hard working too.  She had an incredible family. She was— and still is— great.  Just not great FOR ME.  She was an Olympic eye-roller… and for more than two decades, I served as her trainer.  With three young kids and what appeared from the outside to be an idyllic life, it simply took us a looooong time to work up the courage to say that scary fact out loud.

So when you’re a guy and you first get divorced, you’re like a kid in a candy store.  The most exciting period are those initial six weeks after the Judge signs your final divorce decree, during which us guys have two critical realizations:

Realization #1 (Day 1 post-divorce): “Cool, I can finally go out and f*ck 27-year old Victoria Secret catalogue models”

Realization #2 (Six weeks later): “There is absolutely ZERO f*cking chance of Realization #1 ever happening.”

The first big decision is what to do.  I immediately figured out that dating as an adult is nothing like dating as a teenager in college.  In college, everyone’s the same, as we’re all in the identical place in life.  Back then, dates consisted of, “Hey, Becca, you going to the Kappa Sig party tomorrow night? Meet ya by the main keg around 11:30pm.”  But dating as a grownup is complicated.  First of all, dating is always weird —  not least of which is because men and women inherently talk a different language.  And now, on top of the whole Men-Mars/Women-Venus thing, you’re now dealing with complications such as full-time jobs, kids, different childcare schedules, mortgages, and maybe even a crazy ex-spouse or two in the mix.  And even absent the aging process that transformed us from college frat boy to urban professional, dating itself has simply changed over the past 25 years.  Along the way some NEW things have been created- cell phones, sexting, online dating.  And, on the other hand, some OLD things that used to exist are long gone today— like men doing all the courting.  And pubic hair.  But that’s a whole another column for a different day (assuming Stacey ever let’s me hijack her computer again and guest write another column for her). 

Freshly divorced and unwittingly thrust back into the dating scene after 25 years, I was clueless and truly had no idea what to expect.  I knew I was too old for the bar scene. And for me, the concept of “going clubbing” would more likely involve baby seals than dance clubs on South Beach.  I knew I wasn’t yet ready for a relationship, yet one-night stands had never been my thing.  (In fact, if I ever hooked up with someone who was totally wrong for me, I tended to stay with them for a really looong time.) 

One of the interesting things about being a newly divorced male blessed with my own place. my own hair and/or a 401(k) is how many married women I knew who were eager to set me up with their friends.  I mean, damn, they must have really hated their single friends to do that to them.  So a few close female friends tried to convince me to try the online dating thing, and there were so many different options I had a huge decision to make. Looking back, it’s not like I hadn’t made some horrible decisions over the past 25 years… (Just kidding!  I was married then, so I wasn’t actually allowed to make any decisions.)  So I decided to take the plunge and start checking out various dating sites: Match, J-Date, OK Cupid, Gluten-Free Farmers Only, Amish Mullet Lovers, PrisonGirlsNeedLoveToo.com… There is literally something for everyone.

Without going into too much detail (my sister might show this column to my Mom just to get back at me for years of teasing), but suffice it to say I actually kind’ve enjoyed online dating.  I dated tall and short, blonde and brunette, buxom and waif-like, and pretty much everything in between. In less than a year, I spent many thousands of dollars on wine, Fireball shots, sushi, strawberry flavored lube (just kidding, Mom), Starbucks and concerts.  I reasoned that since I had gotten married so young (just one year out of law school), I had basically lived my 40’s when I was in my 20’s… and was now playing catch-up as I was living my 20’s while in my 40’s.  Albeit maddening at times, online dating turned out to be somewhat of a success, if for no other reason than it gave me an opportunity to meet (and disappoint) a whole bunch of smart, beautiful women I otherwise never would’ve met.

At this point I could easily veer off into any number of tangents: Funny dating stories. Really really funny dating stories. The time Match.com thought it would be great to make my “Match of the Day” the woman who had just divorced me.  (Well played, Match, well played.)  The woman who went back to being a lesbian after we broke up.  (True story.)  Bat sh*t crazy chica.  Dating strategies. Texting. Sexting. Sex. Friends With Benefits. Real thoughts about real boobs vs. fake boobs. If enough of you write a nice comment or two about this, maybe Stacey will invite me back someday and allow me to write on some of these other more salacious topics.

So in closing, what insight can I offer all you Hot Moms about us divorced guys? Like you, we’ve been hurt.  Our happily-ever-after took a wrong turn the same way yours did.  We stress about finances (many of us lost at least half our net worth virtually overnight). We wrestle with parenting and domestic obligations (I cook, clean, launder, drive soccer carpool and even occasionally vacuum and iron… WTF?!?).  Like you, we struggle to balance work vs. play, attempting to be fun & sexy while remaining a somewhat responsible adult.  And as a by-product of our divorce, our self-esteem also took a huge hit, and we repeatedly are left to wonder: Am I cute enough? Nice enough? Fit enough? Fun enough? Successful enough? Basically… AM I WORTHY OF EVER BEING LOVED AGAIN?

POSTSCRIPT: After having dated dozens of women between the ages of 27 to 52, I too was starting to feel like I was never going to find that special someone with whom I could connect with on multiple levels.  I was frustrated and getting tired of dating.  But then a few months ago I met a truly incredible woman online and, although it’s still relatively early, I’m totally falling for her head over heels.  So the good news is it only takes one… you don’t have to find 100 or 20 or even 2 (unless you’re into that sort of thing. Don’t worry, I’m not judging.)  You just need to find that one person who is amazing to YOU.  So don’t give up. He (or she) may only be a single call, click or swipe away.”

Thanks for reading! Keep searching…I mean if Steven can find someone…we all can 🙂 – just kidding!

Be Well and Be Blessed!

7 COMMENTS

  1. Julie Armenta | 3rd Dec 16

    Love that. Honest and witty. But I’m biased cause I love Steven, a BFF met in this crazy divorced single world. Bonded by season of life and shared life circumstance and trials. God has a strange way of putting just the right people in your path at just the right time… that goes for friends, lovers and otherwise. Few are more self-aware and experience more personal growth than those who get divorced In their 40s… for reasons Steven boldly stated. I see it as a blessing. My biggest lesson has been that time is my friend… learning to allow time for healing, time to really get to know someone at a healthy pace and time to grow. We don’t know our destinations, so why not embrace and enjoy every step of the journey?

    • staceyrhill@gmail.com | 5th Dec 16

      Perfectly said!

  2. Diane | 29th Nov 16

    Nicely shared!

  3. tracytysonmiller | 28th Nov 16

    Loved this post. Definitely interested in hearing the thoughts about fake vs real breasts.

    • staceyrhill@gmail.com | 28th Nov 16

      I’ll ask him and write about it… and other men as well! Thanks!

  4. Sara George | 28th Nov 16

    Great blog Stacy! I enjoy reading even though I’m not single. However, I have forwarded it to my friend who is newly single. I hope she too enjoys your insight. Also, good luck to Steven with his new relationship!

  5. Toni | 27th Nov 16

    Love this. Bravo!

Leave A Comment

Leave a Reply