Why I can’t be friends with you…the woman who my friend’s EX cheated with.

This post is about Loyalty, Boundaries, and Faith.

Loyalty: The title speaks for itself.  I am loyal to a fault. While I won’t pull “mean girl” and give Resting Bitch Face to someone I don’t particularly like…if needed; the New York girl will arise. I’ve been in the south since graduate school, and the New Yorker is definitely a kinder, gentler soul after all of these years. That said, NY Stacey comes out to play when the situation arises.

Boundaries: I will draw the line when needed and not put up with being treated in a specific manner – or even choose to be in the company of certain people. I will tell you exactly how I feel..YIKES! But Mama Izzy says; “Its not what you say but how you say it.” As an aside… as a sales person this serves me well! I am a master closer! LOL!  In all seriousness, I have learned to set boundaries as a life skill that has served me well.

Faith: I am a spiritual person. I believe in my heart that God has a plan for me. I know I am a sinner. Every single day. And yet, I am forgiven even before I sin, because My God loves me unconditionally. I am no one’s judge…but that cannot be confused with my discernment with whom I choose to relate with, even on the smallest level.  I have learned over the years that setting clear boundaries when needed, is a life skill that has served me well.

…So grab some Cawfee and let’s Tawlk…

So this is where this story begins…and with permission from one of my best friends whom this post pertains to, I had to write. The intersection of loyalty, boundaries and being a woman of faith are represented here.

Lastly  before I continue…let me make a disclaimer…I know it takes two to tango, therefore in a marriage where infidelity is at play, both the married individual and the “other” are at fault. However, I do have my own opinion about the “other” when she is “The Other Woman”.  As a woman, I don’t understand how one woman can be “The Other Woman”, regardless of the situation at hand. I won’t ever understand it. Ever. That is my opinion, so this blog is not the avenue to discuss this issue.

One of my closest confidants and member of my inner-circle (which means we talk about EVERYTHING!), has been through the ringer. Don’t feel sorry for her-she kicks ass! She has bounced back up like a Weeble and is living life to the fullest, even with the heartache she has endured. You see, her ex husband had an affair. The affair happened long before she knew it was happening. The affair continued as they were seeking marital counseling – she was ready to forgive him to save their marriage. They have two children, a long marriage.  However, even during their counseling, he continued to lie and cheat with. He is almost 20 years her senior. WTF?! I can’t even…”The Other Woman” is one and two years older than their two children, respectively…Just, UGH! So you see, that’s a bad pill to swallow. Over the past few months, efforts have been made via “The Other Woman” to ask for forgiveness and eventual respect and commraderie between the two women. Are you effing kidding me!? Do you think my friend wants to sit around the Christmas table with you, him, and their children!? This is NOT the situation whereby there is an amicable divorce (as amicable as one can be), one gets married and they perhaps can do this….MY parents do, so it’s possible. But this is NOT that situation!

If that wasn’t enough, I was sent a friend request by “The Other Woman” last week. To be honest, I laughed out loud! I thought…is she serious?! Not to mention we have zero mutual friends on Facebook and she is the same age as my oldest daughter…The only friends I have on fb in that age are my daughter’s friends…But that’s not the issue…the issue to me was the nerve of it all in the first place. At first I played this off as just stupid. I have sat with my friend and watched her cry. I see the pain in her face when she talks about the situation.  She is saddened about this entire situation, because the the two cheaters had begun living together. She is saddened that she was lied to for longer than she knew.  She is saddened that her family has been destroyed…in part by the actions of her EX…but certainly even more so by this young woman that was part of this destruction. So as trite as it may seem to you, I absolutely in no uncertain circumstance would accept a friend request from “her”. Period.

Enter NY Stacey…My loyal fibers stuck out like goose bumps. I had to tell this young lady to back off…Someone had to be a voice for my friend…Loyalty and Boundary setting tied up in a bow. Presented nicely and directly. Mama Izzy’s advice was resonating in my head…So here is what I wrote to her via Facebook messenger…

I’m not sure you realize who I am. But to let you know…I am (my friend’s name) number one fan, best friend and most ardent supporter. So because of that, I will never accept a friend request from you. As my fb profile is public, you can easily see she is a part of my life. So that said, I find it rather obnoxious and quite dumb to send me a friend request. I am a 50 year old woman, why would we be fb friends? But more importantly because of my relationship with (my friend’s name).  You need to think about your actions. Please do not reach out to me again, and furthermore anyone that is within our inner circle.

Her reply to me encompasses her attributes of forgiveness because I am a Believer..

…I’m also sorry you see a small action like friending you as dumb and obnoxious, I have just slowly been testing the waters to see if it was time to make peace, clearly it is not time for that yet. I have read your blog and was happy to see you were a believer and I have been praying you will bring light and love into her life, not to mention the fact that even though you may be 50 and our lives are very different, all women still have the same struggles so of course I had sympathy for you and your inner circle and prayed that God would give the opportunity for peace to be made and that y’all would see that we’re all the same just in different levels of life, dealing with a lot of the same demons.

(Side note…how do you read my blog? How do you know me? There is only one way…she is creeping on my page…she is blocked from my friend’s Facebook page…so therefore she is figuring out a way to see what’s going on in my friend’s life!)

She apologizes for crossing a line. Says she meant no harm and was trying to make peace. Clearly she has her demons, I have mine. She is a sinner. I am a sinner. You are a sinner.  She did not do a thing to me. But goodness gracious, she has been part of destroying a family of a woman I love like a sister. I am not in a position to forgive her because it wasn’t to me. However, I am in a position be loyal to my friend and to ask her to leave us alone. So no…I will not be her Facebook friend, or any other friend.

The fact that I am a Believer should have zero to nothing to do with this.  My interpretation of that comment was that because I am a Believer, I should accept the flag of peace. I disagree. I feel it disingenuous to pull that card and play on my spirituality. Am I off-base? It bothers me. And if being Christian is a quality that hopefully makes us all do the right thing…why were you involved with a married man?! But we are all sinners…

I wish her no harm.  I pray for her discernment in the future. I am not the conduit for reconciliation with my friend, because I am a Believer. The light of life I breathe into my friend is based on love, support, inspiration to move forward. Not based on her making amends with her betrayer. That is between herself and her God. I actually pray that as a woman, she actually doesn’t feel the same pain that my friend has gone through.  She is with a cheater…you know the saying…once one, always one…(I don’t know if this is always true, but in general I would say that’s the general consensus).

The intersection of Loyalty, Boundaries and Faith. All played out in one small gesture of reconciliation. I believe I did the right thing. I believe that setting boundaries are important in all aspects of life. And I believe in God and know if He feels I am wrong, that I am forgiven.

To my friend, I love you you. You are a light in my life that I have been so blessed to cross paths with.  I will always support you. Unless you do something really stupid..then I’ll call you stupid! Sadly, I’ve had to do this from time to time! I love you girl!

Be well and be blessed my friends.


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