3 Reasons Why I Won’t Tell a Friend I Saw her Husband on an On-line Dating Site



screen-shot-2016-11-06-at-8-05-04-pmA friend contacted me this week, very upset about what she had seen in an on-line dating app that she uses. More specifically, whom she had seen show up in her list of men that should could potentially choose from.  She saw her friends’ husband! YIKES!

Her son has been playing sports with his son for years. She sits with his wife; a friend, at many of the games. What should she do? I honestly didn’t know what I would do, but my immediate advice was to stay out of it!

Fast forward a a few days into the week. I’m minding my own business, going through my Tinder feed and BAM! “Pete” shows up. Hmmm…Pete looks familiar. I flip through his pictures and realize that he is the husband of someone I know. Holy Crap?! What threw me off is that “Pete”, the name he has listed, is not his name! He is using a fake name, which makes me even more suspect that either I am wrong or he is who I think he is and…UGH! Is he cheating?! The feeling I had made me feel nauseated. Literally. I texted my friend that had seen her friend’s husband and tell her my story. So I asked myself, what do I do? Do I ask my friend if she and her husband are separated or divorced? If not, do I tell her? But I landed back to where my thought process was when I gave advice…stay out of it!

I know some of you are thinking, H-E-Double Hockey Sticks No! You tell her girl! Girl code! Protect the Tribe! Out that lying SOB! But here are the questions I considered:

Question 1: Is this any of my business? No! It’s none of my beeswax! What if he is cheating, is it my place to tell? How will it be received? Do I want to be the Simple answer!

Question 2: How close is our friendship? I asked my girlfriend how close she was to the wife of the man she saw on-line. She said they were just friends through sports. She doesn’t do anything with her outside of the sport, but usually sits with her during the games. This is the same situation for me as well. I have known of this woman since my kids were in elementary school…but we aren’t close. We will chat when we see one another. I said, the only way I would tell another woman what I had seen is if she was one of my true-blue best girlfriends. Even then, it would not be easy; but I would want one of my true-blues to do the same for me. That is THE only way I would have this conversation.

Question 3: Do I know much about the couple?  The old adage, “you never know what goes on behind closed doors”, holds true today. We all put our best foot forward and often hide behind our smiles. I know I did for many years. I shocked my own family when I told them I was going to file for divorce. No one knew anything was going on. I think about this fact, because I intentionally didn’t want anyone knowing this private piece of my life. So I need to afford the same respect to someone else that may have been struggling or still is struggling with their own marriage. Who am I to think that this man is cheating on his wife. Maybe they really are going through a separation. I actually did a little bit of research in my situation and found out that the couple is separated. Trust me when I tell you, I would have never imagined this to be happening to this couple…Why? Because I, nor you, know what really is going on in someone’s life. And this circles back to the answer to Question 1: It’s none of my beeswax!

I need to hear from you, my reader…What would you do? How do you feel about my friend not telling her friend. She is fairly certain this family is not going through separation. I would love to hear from you.

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Be Well and Be Blessed!

7 COMMENTS

  1. NoPlateLikeHome.com | 9th Nov 16

    I was approached by male friends asking if their wife or girlfriend was cheating as they suspected and I told them both the truth. One believed me while the other did not and dragged my name through the mud until he found out it was true. It is best to not get involved if possible. Or let the spouse know anonymously!

  2. royaltyinreality | 7th Nov 16

    This is a tough one, but for the most part I whole heartedly agree with your sentiments. I had a very close friend once who flat out said she took her friends’ “accusations” with a “grain of salt”. I knew then I’d NEVER put myself in a situation where I was telling her something I’d seen or heard about her man. Because of that situation I tend to just stay out of that stuff, but there are a very small number of girlfriends I’d risk the drama for.

    • staceyrhill@gmail.com | 7th Nov 16

      It’s true! We don’t know how they will take it, so unless is life endangerment, I like my decision!

  3. Aleksandra | 7th Nov 16

    That’s the logic of neighbours who hear shouting and crying and other unpleasant noises from next door – but it is not their business, isn’t it? Later on it tuns out children were beaten up by their parents but no one wanted to barrage into other people’s life… Better safe then sorry. Is a woman being cheated on worth not wanting to go through an embarrassment if it turns out they are both ok with it..? Would you like to find out that for years people around you – even almost strangers – knew you’ve been lied to by someone you care about but no one told you, and they just let you live like this because it is none of their business?
    Just a little trade-off to think about.

    • staceyrhill@gmail.com | 7th Nov 16

      Aleksansdra-I couldn’t agree more in regards to your example given…that is something that would cause me to investigate, particularly if I suspected abuse. In the example I have written about, I truly think it depends on the depth of friendship with the woman, or perhaps male friend. I have to stick with that if it is a general acquaintance or casual friend. Thank you for your insight and point well taken!

  4. Nibur | 6th Nov 16

    Hey Stacey- Interesting topic. Just wanted to let you know that I have an old friend who had an “arrangement” with his wife of 10+ years, whereby each had the freedom to date outside the marriage with certain agreed-upon parameters. Thus, each was on Tinder or other dating websites. A little unconventional? Fo sho… but to each their own, I guess. As you said, you NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors.

    • staceyrhill@gmail.com | 6th Nov 16

      Hi Nibur-yes, I have heard that as well! To each his/her own!

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